Adventures in Living!

Ketchup and Further Thoughts....

Ok, not ketchup....just catch-up...

Let's see....to start with, we're not going to Sapphire Joust this year. This will be the first one I've missed in nine years, but there is nothing fun about taking two rambunctious and highly curious little ones to an event right now. I'd rather entertain them while wearing shorts, and let them play in the pool with access to air conditioning. We've discovered that Noah, at least, did not benefit from my olive skin genes.

I could only imagine how many times I would be grabbing one or both of them off the listfield right before someone needs to yell "HOLD!!".

I'll miss all of you guys, but there wouldn't be any hanging out anyway, more like fragmented conversations while I run after either or both of the kids. Have fun for me, and somebody drink a beer or three in our honor.

Next....I finally finished the two large custom orders, and managed, kiln issues notwithstanding, to get them done and delivered early! Woo!

The daisies, for a parent of a child at a local school:

And the boats, for another school-related thing:

I'm starting my local market season this Saturday, with a market at St. Stephen's Episcopal Church. It's a brand new market in Richmond, and already it is popular. I hope it really takes off and I do well there. I won't be doing my previous market, the South of the James market,  and that's a shame. I loved that market, and this year it is wildly busy, but due to communication breakdowns, I wasn't able to be a vendor. I was angry, but I am over it now. I think the new market will be popular, it's in a nice section of town, and it's also a community outreach project of the church's, so that's a good enough reason for me to support it. Plus, the vendors have some really nice things! Come see me, if you're local.

And check out my A Hot Piece of Glass page on Facebook!

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And now for the further thoughts.....

I posted a little while ago about thinking about going back to school.  I realize that I always feel this dichotomy in my life, between art and a 'real career'. In one incarnation, I imagine myself in a high-powered, high-paying, very important career, administrating or managing some crucial organization, being the Director of Something Really Important, or the Chief of Whatever We Need. But when I think about it, there's nothing, except the thought, that really appeals to me about having a job where full-time equals more than 50 hours a week, where I might be expected to (gasp!) wear a suit and heels, where I'd have to use words like 'accountability', 'productivity', 'contribution to the bottom line', and 'revenue-based'. 

I never really was the corporate type.

In the other incarnation, I find myself dreaming about daily work involving creating, helping people to create, and teaching some of my many skills. An art therapist, or art teacher, or even using art therapy and speech therapy combined. And then there's this idea I have that doesn't necessarily require I go back to school. I don't want to share the idea yet, because it isn't fully formed, but it does have to do with art, and with people.

I'll tell ya later.

Career Meditations

So, now that I am a stay-at-home (work-at-home) mom, I have had some time to consider what I might want to do with the rest of my life. 

I've been a speech pathologist for nearly twenty years, and honestly, I feel like I have run the course on that particular profession.  I enjoyed it, and did some really good work -- I'm still considered a knowledgeable and highly skilled therapist -- and I will never, ever let my certifications and license lapse, but I think I want to do something else with my life.

The problem is....what?

When I think back on college, and choosing my major, I know that I denied myself some career explorations and possible majors because, on the surface, the likelihood of a "good career" or a "well-paying job" was not as evident. I originally started school as a theater and dance major. Then I switched to speech pathology, then to elementary education, then back to speech pathology. Along the way, I had considered art history, English, history, French language and literature, and psychology. It didn't really occur to me that I could major in any of those subjects and go on to grad school and possibly a doctorate, and work in museums or universities or libraries or any of the places I love to be. It seemed like too much work. "Oh God, history? You'd have to write all those papers! Why would you want to do that?" I remember someone saying that to me as a freshman undeclared.

I fed my desire for art and creative stuff by filling my non-speech pathology schedule with drawing and painting classes, ice skating, enough French language to become fully fluent by graduation, at least three dance classes a week, and history and philosophy. After I graduated with a B.S.in speech pathology, I ended up going to grad school anyway, because the entry-level degree for speech pathology is a Masters. I found my niche in two practice areas: the birth to age three population, and the elderly.  I practiced, went into management (where I still am, albeit very part time), and now, here I am.

I have the luxury of some time to consider my options and explore my interests. The logical choice would be to further my education in my current profession...I applied to a PhD program, but was denied.  I would love to be a professor, but realistically, we are not going to move to chase professorships, so my options would be limited to universities close to Richmond. I'm not really interested in business management or a degree in healthcare admin. I've thought about law school, but I don't really want to be a traditional lawyer, I'm more interested in philosophy and ethics. 

What I love is art. I love making things, and teaching other people to make things. 

Now if only I can find a way to turn that into a career.

More on this subject later....

onward

I got about four hours of sleep last night, not all of it consecutive, so I am running on caffeine and crappy toaster waffles this morning. Noah sounds a lot better this morning, although he is still drooly and snotty. Yuck. We did his breathing treatment this morning, and he tolerated it without excessive yelling, so that is good.
Poor guy.

Hopefully his followup appointment this morning will reveal no more wheezing.

In other news, I am set for my conference call this afternoon. I hope Noah understands the need to remain quiet during this time and will let me get through twenty minutes or so without yelling.

I am very tired, but today should be good. That's my positive spin for today. It could always be worse.

I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that I have both the energy and the ability to practice yoga and do something creative today, or this evening. I need both of those things today.

Not according to plan

It snowed today -- finally -- and even though it didn't last, at least we got a small taste of winter, as cold and ultimately muddy as it may be. I forgot to take a picture or six (I can't believe I FORGOT! I photograph everything!), so I've got nothing to show for our meager half-inch of the white stuff. It was really pretty, though, the kind of wet snow that sticks to every single twig on a tree, and coats the entire landscape in a crystalline beauty that's hard to describe to someone who's never seen it.

I was able to observe all this beauty while driving Noah to the pediatrician's office this morning. Two hours, and a respiratory treatment and sinus washing later, the snow was significantly less pristine. I missed the photographic opportunity. It's supposed to snow tomorrow, too, so maybe I will think to put my camera in my bag.

Today has been a day of "not according to plan". Noah was vaguely sick with the usual: clingy and whiny, a little cough, a terribly runny nose. I took him to the doctor, even though initially I felt like I was being a giant dork about it. I mean, I have three kids. I know a sniffly viral cold when I see one. I love our kids' pediatrician, so I hate to go in there without something real going on, mostly because I feel like I should know better. But today, I just wanted him looked at. Just in case.

My oldest child was rarely ill when she was tiny. She didn't even have any antibiotics until she was three years old. My youngest two have had so many antibiotics, I'm amazed anything works for them anymore. Poor Noah contracted the RSV virus at sixteen days of age, and spent a scary week in the hospital because of it, on oxygen and around-the-clock respiratory therapy. I think it's because of that that I am more cautious about him when he is sick.

At any rate, poor Noah was wheezing, hence the respiratory treatment, and we left the office with a script for antibiotics and more respiratory meds.

Sigh.

Travis stayed home to take Wren to preschool, make sure Kira got on the bus, and take care of some personal errands that needed doing. Of course I had at least two hours worth of work to do today. Of course tomorrow I am leading a conference call and have about two hours worth of work to do. I thought I wouldn't have this struggle anymore once I "stopped working".

HA!

I felt that old familiar pull again today...."My baby is sick"...."I have so much work I need to get done"....."My baby is sick, I want to rock him all day"......"I really have to get those files done"...."But my baby is sick!"...."Ok, how can I do both/everything and not kill myself?".....

With the help of my wonderful husband, I did manage to get just about everything done that was necessary today.

I didn't get to sew yet, though. I haven't done any glass work for a few weeks now.

I feel overwhelmed, I think, and want to take solace in ice cream. I'm avoiding doing that, but the desire is there.

When I get too much on my plate at once, I find that I escape by reading a lot. I want to read. Not exercise. Not do yoga (although that would probably help). I'm rebelling...I don't want to make lunches now, even though I know it would help my morning be smoother. I don't want to do my laundry now, even though I know I need clean jeans for tomorrow.

I have to give Noah a breathing treatment at midnight. Should I stay up? Or go to bed for a couple of hours? Ah, indecision. I think I'll go lay on the couch with a cuddly blankie and maybe nap a while.

And read. Today did not go according to any plan I had in mind. Tomorrow will be better.

Domestic Paradise, VA 23236

It's another Monday morning here in Domestic Paradise. Wren is running around and being loud, while Noah is attached to my leg, crying for me to carry him around the house. Both kids have had food and sippy cups, and are dressed. I'm just now getting to my breakfast. Kira is upstairs, still asleep. I won't wake her until at least 10; there's no school today. It's grey and cold outside -- so is my mood.

There's a meeting coming up at work on Wednesday that I am dreading and apprehensive about. I don't think I will be losing hours (I only average about ten a week), but in fact --

wait. I have to go retrieve Noah from out of the oven.

--where was I? Oh.....but in fact, I think I will be asked for more hours. This is not a bad thing, the company president likes me and my work very much. I am making a good hourly rate, and I do enjoy the majority of what I am doing. So why am I apprehensive? I think it has something to do with being ultra-ultra protective of my time.

hang on. Wren is standing on the glass coffee table.

The majority of my time is spent staying home and taking care of my kids. I am lucky enough to have a work situation with extremely flexible hours, and a very small need for me to be actually IN an office. Most of my work is done remotely, at all hours of the day and night. I like that. It probably won't change too much. But I worry, nonetheless, because that's the kind of person I am.

It's probably not overstating the obvious, but taking care of little kids is fun, difficult, draining work. While they need me and my supervision so much, I can't just be doing other things all the time. It's hard to concentrate when I am constantly retrieving someone from --

Wren! Get down off the baby gate!

--someplace they shouldn't be. We need for me to work some hours. I need time to myself. I also want to be able to exercise, practice yoga and get some creative time in. Is it too much to ask to be able to do all that in one day?

Yeah. Probably.

I think if I broke it all down, here is what I want to cram into a day:

caring for the kids and playing with them (the majority of the hours in the day)
some household chores (laundry loads, dishes, something -- 30 mins)
writing
sewing or glass
yoga (20-60 mins)
work (an hour or 2 a day)
doing nothing / playing on the computer
exercise bike time
cooking and meals (45 mins or so for lunch and dinner)
time with my husband (theoretically)

I'm sure there are plenty of things I have left out, like sleeping, but you get the idea. It seems like way too much and like not that much at all, depending on your perspective. I feel like I should just be organized, and then it will all fit in, but I can't seem to get organized enough to make it work.

And if I just 'go with the flow', then I feel like I get nothing done that I want to.

Arg.

Ah, well. I've spent my allotment of time writing already today. I really shouldn't think too much. When I do, I realize how far behind I am sometimes, and how I feel like I will never catch up.

Deep breath. A library run today? Maybe.

what goes around...apparently comes back around again

So three of the four of us are sick, yet again. I think it was the trip to NC that did Wren in....she has croup now, and Travis and I are both sick with whatever sinus funk that happened to pass by. I'm still glad I am not down with the norovirus, though. I'll take sinus funk over puking any day.

Kira is the only one who, inexplicably, managed to dodge the sickness bomb yet again. She attributes this to "taking a vitamin every single day, and drinking a glass of milk every single day, like mom says." Apparently I fail to take my own advice, as well.

Anyway, a cute pic of Wren from the weekend:

She discovered the joys of the slide, and even started to say "whee!" as she slid down. Very cool. Another new word from the weekend was "cheese!" for the large number of family pictures that were snapped on Saturday.

Work continues to kick my butt in a huge way. I have done at least two, and sometimes three, evaluations each day for about a week now, and my brain is fried. I haven't even written some of the evals up yet, and that really bugs me. I hate having outstanding paperwork.

One of my patients is really interesting, though. She was in the hospital for cardiac issues and shortness of breath, and a few days later, had a stroke. What's interesting is the fact that she is minimally physically impaired, but her language skills are a total mess. I discovered today that she cannot read any words that have linguistic content, like nouns or verbs -- words with meaning. She can read functor words, but almost every content word she tries to read comes out as a neologism -- a made-up word. The target sentence I had her read in one of my tests this morning was this:

They were relieved to find a refreshment stand nearby and bought a soda.

What she read was this:

They were vanda to vandases a ripanedrosis bicoz and bingates a sendamix.

She is probably the most fascinating case I have had in a while, from a pure speech pathology standpoint. I think I can improve her skills, but wow, there is so much to work on. She can't name a single object, and worse, she knows it, but she tries, and the words come out all wrong. She can write her name and address, but can't write to dictation at all. She can't copy anything written, can't identify most body parts, can't follow more than a single step command....but her speech is clear, and her arms and legs work. No hemiparesis, which is excellent. Her vision is good, too. The errors are just scattered all over the linguistic and cognitive map. I think I'll be doing some research for this case -- pulling out old graduate school stuff and reading up on some of the error patterns she presents. Really interesting. The brain is a mysterious and complex organ.

I should go get Kira into bed, and then dig out some aphasia research to read up on. Of course, the internet, which wasn't really a part of most people's lives back when I was in graduate school, is now my first-line source for information in my profession. Much simpler than actually darkening the door of a library, I just Google for something I need, and lo! it appears on my screen. I just printed an article I found about alexia, and a seven page handout for some neuropsych class at Marywood University that deals with aphasia. Fabulous bedtime reading, I know, but necessary. I sure don't have time to read and study about work while I am at work!

Anyway, Kira is out of the tub, and I need to get myself to bed as well.

The End Result of All That Angst

Basically, it's this: I need to wrap my brain around the concept that I do not, in my heart of hearts, want to be the hard-driving, workaholic Career Mommy who gets dressed every morning, grabs her briefcase, kisses the kids and runs out the door to work, only to return after dark each night. I don't. It seems glamorous, somehow, and impressive and all that, but...

I love to sew. And I especially love to do it when I am alone and the house is quiet.
I love to have an hour to myself in the afternoon before the bus drops Kira off to read my email, surf the web, sit on the deck and breathe....
I like being able to essentially come and go, see my clients, adjust my work hours if I need to, and not worry about how it looks, or what meetings I will be missing, or whether or not I am being a team player.
I love not working on weekends.

There's more, but you get the idea. I don't have to work 40 hours a week. I work 30, and I enjoy the extra ten hours I have every week, even if they get sucked up most of the time by my kids one way or the other. I prefer to be able to run Girl Scouts for Kira, take her to ballet, play with Wren, help Kira with her homework.

I am going to get my doctorate. Then we will see what kind of doors are open for me that I didn't know about.

I hope I didn't sound too bitter before. I just get frustrated when I work hard on things, and then all that work seems to go nowhere. Or when I have some really terrific ideas that also go nowhere because nobody else thinks they are as important as I do.

My plan in 2007 is to attend as much continuing education as I can, because going to courses brings the spark back to my work.

And that's enough about work for now.
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The day after Christmas, I reorganized the sewing room. It had become Ground Zero for Christmas prep: wrapping paper and supplies all over the place, projects and the detritus thereof covering my huge cutting table, an assortment of crafty materials all over the floor and any flat surface.

I intended to just clean up the wrapping stuff and take out the bulging trash can, but once I got started, I got a little nuts. Ultimately, I cleaned up and organized all my sewing equipment and tools, reworked the space for my three machines, neatened by scrapbooking supplies...and then started on the closet. The SCA closet, as I call it, is a walk-in, with shelves on one side and a closet rod on the other. Perfect for hanging garb and storing all manner of medieval materials. The shelving side holds all my sewing stuff: fabric, ribbon, notions, extra machine parts, tools, books, my other craft supplies, and baskets galore.  I gutted the closet, tossing out junk from years ago that I don't need and don't like. I threw out crap that had been hanging around since Travis was the local Baron. The end result is much better. The room looks neat and ready for me to make a creative mess in, and the closet is much nicer to use -- I can actually find stuff in there now!

(If any of you are still reading, I'm impressed. I know this is boring as hell, and there aren't even any pictures!)

Anyway, I have rediscovered my love of sewing. I started one project, bought materials for a second, and I am planning a cool denim and tapestry jacket project as soon as I decide how I want to proceed. No medieval garb, though. I haven't felt like doing that lately.

Travis reminds me that I need to be doing more for myself, to feed my soul. As terrific as it is being a mommy to two wonderful girls, sometimes *I* get lost.  I forget that there's still *me* to take care of, and I would be just a shell of myself if I didn't take the time to sew, or knit, or dance, or scrapbook.

And now, on that note, I am going to work on my curriculum vitae and personal statement for VCU's application. And then I am going to sew. :)

Ramblings about work and stuff

I just spent two hours sitting on the couch watching 'House' season one DVD's with my husband. I love that show. I also realize I forgot to call a friend of mine that I promise I would call this evening. Sigh. My brain is a sieve.

Been doing a bunch of thinking these past few days. Work is...making me a bit unsettled lately. I am trying to decide what I should do to make things better for me, professionally. To cut right to the chase, I am bored. My current job is boring the hell out of me. There is no opportunity for advancement with my current company -- unless I want to go the department head-regional manager-director of operations route (which I do NOT). There is only the one track for career advancement, and it lies along the business admin path, which only marginally interests me. I did my time as a department head, and while I can totally see myself taking that kind of role again, and happily (although NEVER with my current company without a bunch of changes), I don't really *want* to do it that much. I am not learning anything at my current position. I ahve little opportunity for professional development.

I love to teach. I love to do program development, teach clinicians how to work better with clients, develop training materials, put together programs that will expand and improve clinical services and lead ot more fulfilling work for therapists and better clinical outcomes for patients. Unfortunately, while all that is technically included in the job description of a department head, the reality is that it never gets done because there isn't enough time. Not when you are handling payroll and writing budget reports and attending meetings and piecing the department staffing together.

I used to have a clinical specialist job, with my current company, even, but then they did away with clinical specialists. Now they hired one back, and the person is apparently a PT, which helps me none as a speech pathologist. The job also involves a shitload of traveling (3 of 4 weeks a month on the road. Crazy.), and so can only be done by someone with no family to speak of.  loved doing the training and putting together company-wide continuing education courses -- I even wrote the application that got our company approved as a continuing education provider for the American Occupational Therapy Association. Of course, the end result of all my work is that the company did nothing with any of this. The certificate hangs on the wall somewhere, and is probably expired by now, and we haven't had a company-wide CE course in at least the last 2 years. All training is being done by the department heads, following corporately-prepared Powerpoint presentations.

Anyway. I am getting away from myself here.

The point is, I am bored and frustrated. I could look for a new job, but why? Things aren't necessarily different in any other facility. I don't mean to seem negative, I'm just thinking about things and trying to wrap my brain around a discrepancy between what I *am* doing (staff SLP), what I *was* doing (running the department), and what I *think* I should be doing (something...impressive).

Theoretically, I should be thinking creatively about my options. The world is my oyster! I am an SLP, hear me roar (and find a job anywhere)!

I just wish I knew what it was that I wanted to do. Or maybe I do know, but can't figure out how to make that happen. School is looming, along with the $5K per semester plus books that I will be paying for the privilege. Which reminds me, I really need to send in that application to VCU...my goal is to get it to the admissions office by the end of the month.

I dunno...I was supposed to call my friend this evening and talk about all this, because she is in the same boat as I am...but I forgot to call her. I'm a crappy friend, I know.

Maybe I just need to relax, just show up and do my job and go home. Maybe the answers will come to me. Maybe I should set aside some time to go for a meditative walk this week.

The end of 2006 is coming, and this begs the question: What do I want to accomplish next year?

Weekend Recap

I'm glad the weather finally cooperated and gave us something that actually resembles December-like weather. Much as I like to leave the house with no jacket, and stand on my deck in bare feet, it IS December, and the climate should behave accordingly.

Friday night we watched the really long 'Superman Returns', which was good, if a bit longer than need be. I didn't especially like Lois Lane in this one -- she didn't seem 'smart' enough, wit-wise, or education-wise, if that makes any sense.

Saturday, Travis, Wren and I trekked up to my mom's place so he could fix her dead computer. Mom and I took off for the mall to find something for me to wear to the company party. I had concerns about actually locating something suitable that I *wanted* to wear, but those went right out the window within the first 20 minutes in the Belk store there. Right away, I found six or seven interesting-looking dresses...tried them on....narrowed the field...chose one I loved, and we were off and running.

It was a Zen shopping day. Inside of an hour and a half, we had scored the dress, shoes, stockings, a bra, a necklace and earrings, a clutch purse, a wool wrap, and a brooch to pin it with. With a combination of coupons, my Mom's Macy's card, and various store sales, I managed to keep the whole shebang under $200!

Of course, while Travis can appreciate snagging a good bargain, he was unable to really fully appreciate the aligning of the planets that must have occurred for me to be able to assemble a complete cocktail party ensemble in an hour and a half at a mall I don't frequent.

I didn't get a good picture of Travis and me at the party, but he managed to snag this one of me when I wasn't looking:

I actually felt really really good.

We got home at a respectable 11:30 after collecting Wren from Bart and Sara's. The party itself was as corporate functions go -- some people getting hammered, lots of stiff-looking individuals standing around talking, awards given to people who do and don't deserve them....a little bit of dancing, and open bar, and some heavy hors d'oeuvres.

Today Wren and I were on our own as Travis traveled north to a Dagorhir fight practice. I wasn't up to braving Potomac Mills Mall alone with the Wren, so we stayed home and went to a local mall and got a bit of Christmas buying done. I collected Kira from her dad this evening, and here we are.

We're all home now, and the kids are upstairs asleep. Bliss. I am going to bed, myself, after a cup of tea and honey.

Thank you, Women's Movement of the 60's, 70's and 80's, for making a graduate-level education and a successful career not only commonplace, but generally expected, for women of my demographic.

But.....thank you, Women's Movement, for making it so that I now am caught in the struggle of the needs of my career versus the needs of my home and family.

I'm glad that I am who I am, and that I am highly educated and hold a job that requires a significant amount of skill and training and responsibility, BUT...

sometimes, just on a few occasions, I wish that the choices were simpler.

But if they were, it's likely I'd wish for the opposite. Trying to have the best of both worlds can be exhausting, not to mention painful if you hold tension in your back.

Wren's in great hands. Her daddy is on the job for the next few hours, and I know she will be fine. Thanks, Travis. You're a terrific dad.